Finding a Reason
by edward-ships-elricest
Summary: "Love wasn't something Edward thought about, he actually resented the idea of falling in love. He didn't want anyone romantically, from what he experienced love was nothing but pain." Royed I suck at summaries! So sorry! Hope you guys like.
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings: Royed in the future** , **this will contain yaoi ;)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own fullmetal alchemist.. Sadly**

Love wasn't something Edward thought about, he actually resented the idea of falling in love. He didn't want anyone romantically, from what he experienced love was nothing but pain. He just couldn't find a reason to love another.

He loved his brother Al and his mother, he had given all that his heart could offer to them. He wanted nothing but to make them smile, once he saw how his mother loved their alchemy it was more than enough encouragement for them to continue. Everything was perfect with just the three of them, but in time he saw that the saying was true. " _All good things must come to an end"._

* * *

Their mother died and they were left alone, all they had was each other and ed thought that wasn't fair. How could their mother die and leave them alone? Two boys who could barely reach the counter top were suppoesd to fend for themselves? He couldn't help but resent their father even more, the basterd couldn't even show up to his wife's funeral.

With his fist clenched so tight his knuckles turned white he bit his lower lip trying to hold in a sob threantning to slip out, he couldn't and wouldn't cry in front of Al he had to be strong for both of them now. Letting go of a shaky sigh he turned his head from his mother head stone and looked at Alphonse slightly. He was crying."'Nii-san I'm cold.. Nii-san I'm hungry.. We should go home.." He whispered softly and then uttered 'maybe father will come ho-' before he could finish his sentence Edward interrupted him. "Don't even talk about him! That basterd didn't even show up!" He shouted. He looked down at Al and couldn't help but wince, his bottom lip was trembling as more tears spilled from his big eyes.

Before he could apologize winry approached them trying to comfort them, it didn't help him much but saw it helped al and for that he was greatful but he wouldn't show it. As soon as winry ran off he told al something that would change their life's forever.

* * *

It was all his fault. A fucking rebound! How could he have let this happen?

He screamed in utter agony at the lost of his leg, al was gone and he didnt know anymore. "Mom! Mom please!" He looked over to where their mother shouldve been. "No.. No.." He whispered harshly letting the tears fall freely, all he could do was scream; how could he let this happen?

Through blurry vision he noted he was losing to much blood, but the pain of losing his leg was nothing compared to witnessing his brother vanishing and the failed attempt of resurrecting their mother. He saw truth and this was the price he paid, he'd be damned if he let it end just like that.

Ignoring the pain he felt he dragged himself as fast as he could to a set of armor that belonged to his father. Knocking it over he dragged himself closer "no damnit.. No! You wont take him too!" with his bloody fingertips he drew a blood rune inside the armor as quickly as he possibly could. "Give him back he's my brother! Take my leg, take my arm, take my heart! Take anything you can have it all!" He yelled tiredly "Just give him back! He's my little brother and he's all I have left!" He screamed and clapped his hands together and was consumed with the crackel of alchemy.

* * *

The Gate cracked him wide open and looked deep inside and asked 'What is your brother worth' and Ed said 'everything' and it took an arm.

They weren't willing to give up themselves for their mother. That wasn't the point, that wasn't what they were trying to achieve, but that's what the Gate took. Ed would have given everything up for Al, would have leveled mountains and villages. He would start and end a war for his brother, and the Gate took his arm.

It is this moment that he understands equivalent exchange is not always scientific, that it can be subjective. Six of this does not always equal half a dozen of that. He doesn't dare tell Al  
that the very foundation of their lives is a lie.

He knows the truth now, it was set up to fail since the beginning. Nothing in the world would ever Come close to equaling someone's life. If it wasn't for his ignorance Alphonse would've had a body.

He knows teacher had to have known. She looked into the Gate, when she discovered numbers mean nothing to the dead it was to late the Gate already took something she could never recover from.

He wishes that she'd told them. He thinks that she tried but it was to late now.

He couldn't find a reason as to why he was still here.

And it just wasn't fucking fair.

 **So how was it?**

 **I'm not so good yet I think, but there's always room for improving!**

 **Please review what you think, criticism is welcomed just don't be to harsh!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So here is chapter two!**

 **Thank you for the review, it really encouraged me to update faster!**

 **Italics mean Edwards having a flashback**

 **Disclaimer: sadly I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist..**

All he could do is sit.

He refuses to eat or sleep, if Alphonse can't eat or sleep why should he? All he could do is regret the decision he made not to long ago and its eating him alive.

He wished it was him the gate took, he was the older brother Alphonse shouldn't have paid the price for Edwards mistake. Alphonse must hate he for this, he's sure of it.

And that's when Roy mustang became apart of their life. A constant force which kept him from giving up his goal. Not that he'd ever admit it but the older man had set a fire inside of Edward that would never be extinguish

* * *

They were at a dead end. The Philosophers stone was something.. They couldn't use, no they wouldn't stoop that low to reach their goal. "Dammit! Another dead end!" He yelled in frustration and looked over at Alphonse who stood their quietly then, he noticed, his fists were clenched and his armor was shaking ever so slightly. "Al.. I'm sorry we can't use the Philosopher's Stone we're going to keep looking so don't you dare give up damnit!" He shouted fiercely starring up at him. He'd be damned if Al gave up just like that! He won't accept that shit from Alphonse, he is not a quitter and damn it they'll make it even if Edward has to go to the end of the world.

"Nii-san.. I'm not giving up don't think it! I'm just.. Everytime we get close to restoring our bodies.." His fists slammed down onto a nearby table, "something horrible prevents us!" He shouted and Edward looked to the ground, he didn't understand it either. "Al I don't give I damn about anything that gets in our way!" His fist knocked against Alphonse's armor, making the younger look at him. "No matter what we will find a way, I promise you that." With that settled they continued their search not letting anything stop them.

* * *

"Yo, colonel bastard" Edward strolled into Mustang's office rather loudly, making the older look his direction. Edward could have sworn he saw the bastard smirk, what the hell did he find amusing? He threw himself onto a seat in front of Mustang's desk and, glaring at mustang, he tossed a file his way. "And what would this be fullmetal?" He said in a voice that made Edward shiver, trying to control his shivers he said rather smoothly "What me and Alphonse found out about the Philosopher's Stone." With his elbows on Mustang's desk, he leaned forward slightly "Dead end. Philosophers stone isn't something me and Al want anymore."

Mustang skimmed through the file quickly and frowned "I see, what will you do now fullmetal?" His voice sounded concerned, he didn't always show his concern for Edward but when he did they were alone and Mustang always spoke so softly. It sent shivers down Edwards spine, after a few more exchanged words Edward left in a hurry trying to cover his heating face.

* * *

Some days he can't help but feel his eyes lingering over the bastard colonel a little longer than needed. He started noticing how his body would relax more in the company of Colonel bastard. Also he couldn't help but feel heat covering his cheeks lightly when he'd catch the colonel just ever so slightly smiling at him and then proceed to chide him on his reckless behavior on yet another assignment.

He told himself countless time it was nothing more that admiration, that he admired the colonels strength (of course he would never dare voice it). But as the nights grew longer and longer he couldn't help but feel his thoughts wonder off to the colonel, he'd quickly let out a heavy sigh and smack himself. "Get a grip" he'd tell his self "It's nothing more than admiration" he would say and try in vain to rest for the remainder of the night.

Edward still couldn't shake the thought of loving another. He told himself he'd never love anyone romantically, so there couldn't possibly be room in his fragile heart to love another, he couldn't be in love with a man he supposedly hated?

Even if he loved the colonel he wouldn't do a thing, Alphonse was first and he would always first no matter what. But even when he returns Alphonse to his body he wouldn't dare voice his feelings towards the colonel. He'd hold it in no matter what, for Al's sake. Then he remembered something odd about his conversion with the colonel just the week before.

T _he bastard was starring at him and it was impossibly unnerving, he closed his eyes and turned his face to the side and just as he was about to throw a few profanity words the bastards way when he froze._

 _He didn't notice the colonel move to stand in front of Edward, they were so close he had to use all his willpower to not blush. He was pretty sure he failed_ _ **ah w**_ _ **ell**_ _he thought._ _Just as the colonel bent slightly to look Edward in the eyes "Are you sure you'll go?" He whispered so softly Edward had to strain his ears to hear._

 _He was confused, why did he care? "Yeah what's it to you? You don't need me he-" Edward was caught off garude by the colonel suddenly squeezing his arms firmly. "I_ _mean it_ _Ed, will you be safe?" He whispered pleadingly._ _ **Ed. He** **doesn't** **usually use my name..**_ _there was an odd look in the mustangs eyes, he's never seen it before it was as if.._

 _Muatang stood abruptly all emotion left his face as his mask set in "well of you go then fullmetal" Edward gave him an odd look as the pink dusting his cheeked faded "uh.. Y-yeah sure thing" he turned to leave and he swore he heard mustang say "don't die Edward."_

Edward covered his face trying and failing to hide his blush and smacked his cheeks lightly. He couldn't let al see him like this it was embrassing and he didn't want him thinking he wasn't focused.

* * *

Sometimes he'd actually imagine what it would be like if he just straight out confessed his feelings to mustang, would he reject him? Or welcome him with open arms and a promise of love, a promise of love? Who was Edward kidding? He certainly wasn't even looking for something like that, Alphonse was more important and he'd always be his top priority. Loving anyone other than Alphonse was pointless, he wouldn't pursue them or voice his feelings. But late at night when he thought about Roy mustang his heart ached for him, he's spent a two years under the mans command and couldn't help but fall. And he fell hard for the man which was pretty fucked up if you asked him, loving another romantically wasn't something he thought of ever and now with his situation the thought shouldn't come to him. But it does and its killing me and leaving him restless and frustrated beyond comprehension.

But after everything he did he couldn't find a reason as to why he should have a future with anyone especially Roy mustang.

The man who he was uncontrollably in love with was untouchable, unattainable, it was out of the question.

And even though it hurt like hell he had to hold it in, he and Alphonse had a train to catch.

 **Hope this is okay!**

 **Enjoy and please leave a review I love to know tour thoughts on this!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3! Hope you like!**

 **So happy at least one person like this so far 3**

 **Disclaimer : I wish I owned fma, sadly I don't..**

* * *

Alphonse knew his brother well, he knew Edward was in love even if he couldnt see it himself.

They're currently in a cell located at Briggs. Sitting opisite of eachother, he looked over to Edward and it seemed like he was lost in thought. They were both to blame for what happened and he was tired of Edward thinking he only carried the burden. He was tired of Edward trying to be strong for him, he shouldn't hold in his pain anymore.

Alphonse decided to let go of a heavy sigh and looked Edwards direction "Nii-san? We have to talk." He said firmly and watched Edwards face shift from startled to slightly confused "Yeah about what?" Alphonse see the confusion plain on Edwards face, he was always easy to read but that was because he knew his brother well enough. "Nii-san I want you to stop blaming yourself, it isn't only your burden to carry." He paused for Edward to take in his word, he saw his face twist in pain and before he could reply Alphonse held his hand up and spoke softly "I was there too, I could've told you we shouldn't try and bring mother back. But I was just as foolish as you so please stop carrying this pain alone." Edward wasn't looking at him anymore, his head bowed down as if he felt ashamed of himself "Nii-san we will carry this burden together and we will return to our bodies together." He said confidently starring at Edwards still form, after a few moment Edward looked up slightly and thats when Alphonse noticed something.

Edward was crying. His shoulders were shaking slightly as he let the tears fall freely, Alphonse knew this would happen. Edward spent years holding in his pain and never letting a single tear fall, it was all to much for him now, the pain he was carrying would have eaten him alive. His sorrow would have kept him from fulling living and Alphonse couldn't watch edward the days would go by but his brother wasn't really there. For the past two years it wasn't Edward by his side, it was a shell of the person Edward used to be before everything turned to hell. He seemed like an emotionless robot, how ironic he thought, Alphonse was the one who supposedly was unable to fully feel yet here was his brother. Bottling up his pain and suffering because Alphonse's sake, but Alphonse felt pain as well, maybe not physical pain but he felt just as guilty as Edward did.

He thoughts were interrupted by Edwards soft spoken words "Al.." He pasued looking down and wiping his face "I- I think I might have.. I think I love someone." And that's when a sob ripped through Edwards mouth, his body shaking violently as the tears cane back stronger. Alphonse had never really seen his brother in this state, but he knew Edward needed him now more than ever. He quickly moved towards Edwards side, as gently as he could, he held his brother closely as he sobbed loudly. "I- I don't want you to think I forget! Cause.. I didn't and- and I just feel..!" He tried holding back another sob threatening to escape his lips. "I feel.. Guilty! How could I think.. Think about someone like that when your like this!" Edward was clenching Alphonse armored arms tightly now "it just hurts.. I can't be with him but I.. Love him Alphonse, but you are so much more important to me than anyone on the world.." He calmed down a bit, taking in deep breaths trying to keep a steady rythem. "I don't want to love someone when I can't even give you your body back.. I don't want you to even think I'll forget about you and just leave for my own.. Selfish desires cause I won't Al I'd never do that you're my whole world Alphonse. And besides he wouldn't feel the same, I'm a mess." He said the last bit as a joke and smiled slightly looking up at me and he loosened his grip around the armor. Alphonse didn't find it amusing, how could Edward even think this? His brother was so dense it was painful.

"Nii-san, I will not allow you to, let someone love you just the way you are- as flawed as you think you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel. And as unaccomplished as you think you are." His rise rose slightly gripping edwads forearms firmly but also gently to not hurt him "I know you would never give up on me bakka-nii" he said playfully and went on as he saw Edwards bottom lip tremble "saying things like that is horrible, I want you to find love becasue once our journey has ended I want you by his side smiling, and you have to know this to believe you have to hide all the broken parts of you in belief it will hurt me, or out of fear he wouldn't accept you for anything less than perfect.." His own voice began to shake, dammit why was he so sensitive? "Is like... Believing sunlight is unable to enter through a broken window to illuminate a dark room! I won't allow you to throw this away! We will return to our bodies no matter what nii-san and you should not suffer!" Alphonse shouted, he didn't partially like to shout at Edward but sometimes to make him understand he had to be rough. He had to show Edward it was just fine to give into selfish desires once awhile, loving mustang was and never will be a crime.

Edward was silent for a few moments, seeming to take in the words he just said. His brother was starring at him clearly lost for words, he saw a shy smile grace Edwards face slowly as a few stray tears fell, he wipe them away quickly with the sleeve of his coat. "Alphonse.. You you don't know how relieved I feel now, for so long I pushed everything and everyone away afraid they would keep me from returning your body." He laughed, it sounded almost bitter "All the good people I pushed away.. Not anymore, I won't push him away.." He said shly "But I won't pursue him just yet, we'll get you your body back Al, we'll do it the right way too. Then I'll confess to the bastard, it's a promise."

It was moments like theses were he silently wished for his body, just so he and Edward can share an embrace once again, he he could hold his brother as tightly as he wanted and not feel frightened at the fact that he could seriously injure him. He let out a small laugh content at Edwards choice, he was happy with life at the moment. He brother was smiling at the chance of a life time. "Nii-san I'm.. Happy now, knowing you can actually smile is.. Perfect." He wish he could smirk right at this moment "But I was a little surprised when I realized who exactly you are in love with." Perfect. Edwards face turned tomato red, he definetly wished he could smirk "The colonel is a good man, and he'd be a fool if he didn't share the same feelings nii-san. Actually I'm quite certain he does." He watched Edwards face carefully now "I see the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is paying much attention, but I am and I can tell he's not looking at you as his subordinate but.. As someone he loves dearly." Edward shook his head slowly covering his scarlet tinted face but alphonse could tell he was smiling. Alphonse wished things could have been different, maybe then Edward would smile more often. But if that horrible day never happened, Edward would've never met the colonel and he seemed so happy, it seemed wrong to wish for a different beginning.

Alphonse couldn't find a reason why horrific things happened to people, but he had the believe that the reason for that was to become stronger. Through the blood and tears he and Edward shed they have become stronger, stronger then they could have thought possible.

 **soo how was that?**

 **Any suggestions?**

 **Hope you liked, chapter four is almost complete!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Next chapter!**

 **Hope it doesn't seem rushed, and sorry its a bit short. Didn't have to much time to write.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist**

* * *

Everyone knew of Roy Mustang, the famous Flame alchemist, hero of the Ishval war. He was a real ladies man, a charmer even, he'd always have a different beautiful woman by his side. Men envied him, women wanted him, he was close to achieving his dream. So way was he at some bar ordering a shot of vodka back to back and feeling as hollow as Alphonse's armor? He thoughts wondered to a certain blonde alchemist, wondering if the boy was indeed safe and out of harms way. He snorted at the thought, Edward was always getting into trouble no matter the situation, but he still couldn't help but hope he was safe.

He remembers the day he met the young blonde very clear, and he can't help but grimace at the memory of Edward missing an arm and leg, looking defeated and dead inside and out. The boy was something else, he was special and Roy knew that from the moment his eyes laid upon the boy. Anger consumed him, he couldn't believe that child was so talented he was able to perform human transmution, though it failed, he survived losing and arm and leg. His train of thought vanished, all if anger flew out the window when a suit of armor with the voice of a child apologized repeatedly. That was something he'd never forget, the armor shaking and pleading him not to be angry, the haunted look in Edwards eyes. Two children so young, they went through hell and fought to come back, but they came back utterly destroyed.

Shaking his head he ordered another shot, sometimes at night he would go back to that day and realize that there was a possibility things could have been different. He doesn't even to think about that, a life without Edward elric wasn't a life at all, he concluded. He stared at his shot, after a moment he wondered when he came to that kind of conclusion conclusion, he'd watch a broken boy with promise slowly become a man who even inspires Mustang himself. Edward was different, it was painfully obvious, the brat for some reason had a spot in Roy's heart. Roy couldn't help but want to, dare he say, hold him or even share a sweet kiss.

But that was the problem, Roy didn't do 'sweet' he didn't hold his lovers, actually he'd send them right home after they've spent the night with him and he would never see them again. That was the way he liked it and its always going to be that way, he told himself, but a voice in the back of his head questioned if that was what Roy really wanted. Did he want pointless one night stands? Or did he want something more, someone he could come home to and he would welcome him home with open arms. He glared at his hands and wondered if he was even capable of love, could he actually go home to Edward everyday, hold him and love him unconditionally?

He wondered when he started thinking of Edward that way, he dully noted how there was a part of him that actually wanted the blonde alchemist in everyway possible. He wanted him even when he threw his little temper tantrums, or when the boy was overwhelmed with anger. He wanted to be the one who could hold Edward and whisper sweet nonsense into his ear, anything that would reassure the blonde he was loved and wanted. He wanted all the little things, the fights that would some how end with him being wrong, the hardships relationships often faced, he wanted to wipe all tears from Edwards beautiful eyes.

His thoughts started to drift further into Edward, he thought of how Edward would flash rare smiles his way, or how his face would turn a surprisingly adorable shade of pink. Or how Edward would fail at hiding said blush from him, he could read Edward like an open book. It wasn't his body language, or even the way he spoke, no it was his eyes. His golden eyes would tell him a story of pain, happiness, shame, even love. He could tell exactly how Edward was feeling just by looking into his eyes, and he could stare into them all day. Maybe he and Edward could become something more than what they were at the moment.

He scoffed, paid for his drinks and made his way out of the bar. The liquor was starting to get to him, he noted, he needed to get home quick.

* * *

He made his way home slowly, he could feel an incoming migrant he would spend this night alone. Maybe tomorrow he could find a cute little blonde, one with a temper and who didn't like to be called short in anyway possible. He stopped in his tracks, he really is drunk he practically describe Edward Elric, he smacked himself and continued walking.

It was lonely nights like these were his thoughts often drifted off, tonight he seemed to only think of Edward. He thought of him often but not as much as tonight, maybe because he hasn't seen the boy for three months today. He wondered if he was safe, Briggs was a difficult place and he couldn't help but worry for Edward and his brother. He groaned stepping into his home, it was a decent size, two bedrooms and two baths. He made his way up to his bedroom and stared at his bed, it was to big for just one person and it only made the night lonelier. He kicked off his shoes and threw himself onto his bed and stared at the ceiling, his closed his eyes and saw Edwards face. Edwards smile, his eyes, his pink little lips and he saw the few times his small tounge would lick his lips, he could imigine the boy down on his knees and how those lips would look wrapped around his- "Fuck!" He sat up and coughed _, what the fuck was that?_ He thought, _shit maybe I had one to many tonight_ , he groaned loudly and stood suddenly. He had to take his mind off of Edward, but that was easier said than done. Everything reminded him of Edward, not one thing in his room took his mind off the blonde!

He held his face in his hands muttering to himself "I'm just sexually frustrated, no way in hell I'd want Ed." He chuckled, yeah no way he just needed a good fuck with a cute blonde, tomorrow he'd find one and rid himself of all thoughts Edward Elric. The blonde was nothing more than his annoying subordinate, he couldn't find a reason why he would be with Edward in any way possible.

He had one to many, tomorrow he wouldn't even remember his true feelings for Edward and would go on as normal. For sure he would never hurt Edward intentionally, but choosing to ignore the truth would prove to be painful later on.

 **Hope this was good!**

 **I'm planning on a little drama later on.**

 **Leave a review and tell me what ya think!**


	5. Chapter 5

**chapter five please enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own fma at all**

Alphonse and Edward were finally heading back to central to report back to mustang, Alphonse decided he would talk to the colonel in private to confirm whether or not he felt the same for Edward as Edward did for him. He just had to figure out a way to actually talk to him in private, he needed Edward busy and not paying attention to him.

The train was almost at its destination and alphonse still didn't know how to keep Edward busy, if he could sweat he was sure he would practically covered in it. He started recognizing the surroundings they were so close, maybe he could tell Edward to rest, no that was to suspicious, or he could make him eat out? Edward loved food and he did say he missed some little restaurant not to far off from central. Before Alphonse could make Edward spoke "Al I'm gonna head to a library I found, you head back and report to mustang okay?" Alphonse silently thanked whatever God helped make things easier for him. He go as planned ask the colonel a few questions then give his report, it was perfect actually.

* * *

Alphonse Elric always knew when a day would turn from almost perfect to total shit, today unfortunately felt like one if those days, he just didn't know what would happen. He felt uneasy making his way to Mustangs office for a second he was about to turn to leave but decided against it, besides he was here and he was a man, men didn't back off because of petty reasons. He opened the office door and stepped in, he noticed Riza standing beside mustang watching him as his worked. Figures, mustang would go off track and it was up Riza to make sure he stayed on task, she was the first to notice him which wasn't a surprise. "Alphonse you came alone?" She asked slightly surprised, Alphonse couldn't blame her him and Edward were always together no matter what the situation, if they were separated it'd surprise anyone.

"Nii-san is at a library reading some new material, he sent me here to hand mustang the mission report." He spoke softly and noted how mustang was not writing any more but listening carefully to the words he spoke. "Ah Fullmetal decided to not grace us with his presence?" He gave a small smirk "well hand me the report and you can be on your way Alphonse."

Alphonse stepped closer to the colonel and slid the file his way "I'd actually like to have a few words with you sir, if it wouldn't bother you much." He spoke softly and watched mustangs face carefully, he could read him easily just like brother. They both expressed their emotions in their eyes, funny if you asked him, the more time he spent studying mustang the more he saw how perfect him and Edward would be together. It wasn't often Alphonse approved of men looking for his brothers way, no he atucalky often scared them off before Edward could even notice their failed attempts at impressing him. It was sad actually, so Alphonse showed mercy and would continue to tell them fuck off, he was very protective of Edward when it came to romance. Edward saw love in a different light than Alphonse himself, he doubted it and feared it even though he would never admit it. "Hm? What is it you would like to say?" He looked at Alphonse with curiosity, he wasn't often he talked to mustang so again he couldn't blame him.

He looked to the right were Riza stood, its not that he didn't trust her he just didn't want to talk about his brothers personal business with more people then intended. "Whatever you have to say to me will not leave this room, I promise you that." His voice was sorter this time, and he saw Riza give a soft nod well he supposed it was okay. "Its about nii-san, I want to talk about him colonel." Mustangs face shifted ever so slightly as a delicate eyebrow rose "Is he fine? Surely he isn't injured right?" Alphonse noted how his voice sounded a bit pleading "Nii-san is fine.." He paused and continued "I'll make this simple, how do you feel for my brother?" He waited for his words to sink in, he watched the older mans face. His mask fell and unfortunately Alphonse could not read him, he didn't recognize this facial expression. "Fullmetal, although not well behaved or obedient, is a good subordinate." He said automatically, this wasn't how he hoped it would go now he would have to clarify his question. "No, that is not what I meant. And I think you know exactly what I'm trying to ask." He noticed how Riza was watching mustang from the corner of her eye, he supposed she noticed as well. "I'm afraid I don't Alphonse, please do explain." He sounded tired, he did know what Alphonse was talking about and chose to act as if he didn't. If there was anything Alphonse hated it was a person acting ignorant. "I meant, do you have romantic feelings for my brother or not?" His face twisted, and at that moment Alphonse regretted asking him anything at all.

But he couldn't have been wrong, he watched mustang stare at his brother he knew the look in his eyes, it was the same look mother would give father. "Are you implying I could actually have romantic feeling for.. For Edward?" He sounded almost offended, as if asuming him loving Edward was something unimaginable. He surprisingly stood and faced alphonse, mustang looked impossibly livid now. "No, there is not even a possibility of me even finding that.. that brat seemingly attractive. I'd rather live the rest of my life without a partner than to spend a night with Edward" He spoke softly and looked as if wanted to continue but Alphonse angrily cut him off "Shut up. You don't love him, I get it but you do not talk about **MY** brother that way!" He shoved mustang out of his way, he was to enraged to notice mustangs face shift as if he regretted the words he just said "My brother is a good person and you do not deserve him even a little. Have a good day lieutenant Hawkeye." He opened the door ready to but he froze.

There stood Edward, face red in embarrassment and twisted in pain, mustang noticed him and looked as if he'd killed a puppy. Seeing Edward hold back his tears as mustang enraged Alphonse, he wanted to kill that bastard now. "Nii-san-" he began but Edward cut him off, "I was uh, just gonna come.. get you." He bottom lip trembled as his fists clenched his coat, before Alphonse could reply Edward ran the opposite direction he didn't want to be seen crying. It broke Alphonse's heart, he turned slowly and spoke coldly the colonels way "It seems you made an enemy mustang, if it was for nii-san i would've murdered you the very moment I saw Edward standing there." He looked towards riza, she hadn't moved an inch but he could see she looked disappointed. He looked Mustangs way once more before he ran in the direction Edward had, his brother needed him. Possibly now more than ever now, as furious as he was at thus moment Alphonse couldn't find a reason why he shouldn't assassinate mustang as he slept.

* * *

 _He was an idiot_ , Riza concluded. She didn't find it amusing how the colonel tried to surpress his feeling for the blonde so desperatly, did he really have to speak of Edward that way? "Sir, if I may.." she made her way to his side, he was starring at the exact spot Edward stood, she could only assume he heard everything the colonel said. She smacked the back of his head roughly, he turened and looked at her infuriated but before he could yell she interrupted him "I'm assuming Edward heard everything, and that was why he left in such a hurry." She paused glaring at him "and I assume you regret what you said, must I really tell you your own personal feeling for him?" She sighed and he fell back against his chair, what an idiot.

"I-" she cut him off "if you say you do not harbor any romantic feelings for Edward elric I will shot you before you can blink." She was looking him in the eye now "sir." He looked lost, as if he didn't know what was what now all of a sudden. "Although I do regret what I said.. It was a bit much I admit but I unfortunately do not love him." He wasn't looking anywhere but at her, and she understood now. He couldn't accept it, he couldn't pinpoint exactly what moment the blonde crept into his heart. He was utterly afraid, and he would have to come to terms with his feelings on his own she realized. She had to admit she was a but afraid he would come to terms with his feelings a bit to late, but there were some battles you had to face on your own. "As you say sir." She shut the door to his office and tried but failed to find a reason why she shouln't shot the colonel's foot at that moment. She silently prayed Edward and Alphonse were safe, the poor boy must be heart broken he thought, she hopes Alphonse would be able to comfort him. But she knows how hard it is to mend a heart broken one to many times.

 **Two chapters in one day! Yay hope this is good, I'll have another one up tomorrow!**

 **Let me know how it is!**


	6. Chapter 6

**thank you for the honest reviews!**

 **Honestly I have been rushing through and did not even notice the mistake I had made, I'm currently looking a beta so till I have one I'll be a bit slower on updates just to make sure each new chapter is as good as can make it**

 **Anyways please enjoy and let me know what you think!**

 **Disclaimer: do not own fma alchemist at all..**

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He was running. In what direction he could not tell, he just had to get away quick he couldn't let Mustang see him cry. His vision was blurry but no matter how much he wiped the tears away they continued to flow, he hated crying but he couldn't help it. He knew Mustang couldn't possibly love him but it still hurt like hell, he wondered what hurt more, losing his leg and arm or having his heart broken once again.

He dully noted how he shoved past people and a few even fell, at that moment he did not give a shit really. He pushed through a crowd of civilians desperately trying to distances himself from Central headquarters, he broke free of the crowd and sprinted towards an isolated area. Only he and Alphonse knew of it and he was sure Alphonse was on his way now, he felt his chest fill with regret he should have be more careful. He should have never fallen for that bastard, now he was worked up, he could not even think about his baby brother and how much more important he is.

As soon as rain came it hit him arm, it felt like thousands of tiny blades hitting his skin, that was nothing compared to the ache in his chest.

He fell to his knees and bit back a sob threatening to spill out, he felt utterly weak, here is way crying because some bastard did not return his feelings. He should have gave Mustang the finger and said, "Fuck off old man, I don't need you." But even that didn't seem right, Edward could not bring himself to rise to his feet, walk back to Mustang's office and shout at the top of his lungs. He took deep steady breaths trying to calm his nerves a bit, he felt a bit hollow but this was necessary, he certainly would not let that asshole take him down. He rubbed his eyes frantically making the flow of tears slow down a bit, he tilted his head back and closed his eyes welcoming the drops of rain now. He opened one eye slightly and saw Alphonse standing a few feet away from him, he sighed and stood slowly shivering slightly. Distantly he wondered if he looked as miserable as he felt, with great disdain he figured trying to forget about the emptiness he felt would be a challenge. The only thing he could do is move forward; forward towards his brother just a step away, he knew Al must have felt responsible for Edward being in the state he was.

Smiling softly he hugged his brother's shaking armor, he didn't know if it was in anger or in despair but he did not even care. He had all he needed and that was his baby brother here by his side, it has always been this way and Edward understood now as long as Alphonse was there he would survive. He gazed up at Alphonse as he spoke, "Nii-san... I.." He felt two metal arms wrapped gently around his small form "so sorry nii-san.." Edward let out a shaky breath and leaned against his brother, "Al its better this way, thanks to you I have more time to heal.. This-this is better, imagine if I had confessed?" He grimaced at the thought of Mustang shouting and possibly throwing punches his way, it seemed Alphonse thought of the same situation and held him a bit tighter. "I wanted to kill him, the look on your face was.. Something I never want to remember but fear I will. The only reason he still lives is because I know you would never forgive me nii-san."

Edward pulled back slightly but held onto the armored arm, still gazing up at his brother Edward let out a small laugh as the tears rolled down his flushed cheeks, this time they were not tears of sort or but happiness. "How did I end up with a bloodthirsty little brother?" He joked letting out another laugh, "Al I love you, but I'm okay." He smiled brightly "we have work to do." With a quick nod from Alphonse together they walked back to Central headquarters, ready to continue their search. With the Promised day nearing both Elrics, Mustang's team, and even a few friends they made along their journey were preparing for the impending battle that would surly cost their lives. But they were ready to sacrifice themselves to save ever single innocent human soul that would be caught in the mix of Father's lust for power. He promised himself, Alphonse will live through the war, he will return to his body no matter the cost. He'd beat the crap out of Father if he even thought of touching Alphonse or Mustang, in fact if any of their friends were harmed there would be hell to pay.

No matter the pain Mustang put him through he loved him still and he would never wish harm his way, even if the other would. He squeezed Alphonse hand as they entered Mustang's office, the man looked up from his work and stared at them, more specifically Edward."Let's hope it doesn't rain on the Promised day, you would be pretty useless to us if it did bastard." He forced himself to grin and saw Mustang's lip twitch slightly, "Everything is almost set, all we can do is wait, so I figured me and Al will be heading out again. "Edward spoke seriously now looking the older in the eyes, he received a nod and noticed Riza had a small smile on her lips. Putting up a front for Mustang was a bit harder than he thought, it was easier with Alphonse. Actually it wasn't, Al could read him like a fucking book. He could not tell what Al was thinking but he was pretty sure Al had to use all his self restraint to not jump Mustang. Alphonse was right somewhat, Edward would not allow him to murder Mustang, he didn't want Al to stoop that low just for him.

"Well Fullmetal we'll see just how useless I'll be that day, and as for _your request_ to head out once more, go. Stay alive, we need you both." Mustang said firmly to them both and gave a small smirk, Edward gave a small nod and laced his fingers with Al's bigger ones. They turned to leave but Mustang stopped them "And Fullmetal about.. What you heard.." Edward quickly cut him off not wanting to hear his apology, "We'll see you real soon Colonel bastard. See you around lieutenant, keep an eye on him." He smiled at her and looked back at Mustang, for reason beyond Edwards understanding the man actually looked torn up. Like he actually regretted what happened yesterday, maybe Edward just imagined that. He probably did actually, the bastard made it pretty clear he wanted noting to do with Edward romantically.

With one last look at Mustang Edward smile sadly and closed the door behind them, he would make sure the next and very last time they would see each other was the Promised day. _It would be better that way_ , Edward thought and it was true in his opinion, they say time heals all wounds maybe its true maybe he'll be lucky enough to get through this pain together with Alphonse. He felt Al tighten his hold on him slightly, "It'll work out Al." Alphonse nodded as they made their way out the building, they had approximately five months till the Promised day. He would spend those months looking for ways to forget Mustang and to retrieve Al's body.

Edward didn't really know it at the time but Roy Mustang actually did regret what happened earlier that day for two reasons, one because he had hurt the small blonde and the look on his face was agonizing everytime he closed his eyes he saw edwards pained expression. As for the second reason the man felt as if he _lied_ and he did not understand exactly _why_ he felt that way.

 **yay there you go, next chapter will be Mustang's POV**

 **Let me know what you guys think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**yay chapter 7! And in Mustang's POV!**

 **Hope you like, tell me how it is**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own fma alchemist at all**

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He could pinpoint excatly the moment he realized how utterly ignorant he had been. _Just four months after Fullmetal left_ , he thought. Those had to be the longest and most agonizing four months of his life, and he only had himself to blame for it all. He simply blamed his affections towards the young blonde on liquor, he thought it could not be possible to actually want Edward for more than a night, he didnt even know he was gay. It took him four months to realize he loved him, but it was to late.

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 **Month one: feeling hollow**

Roy Mustang was well known around Central, by males and females alike, the men either hate or envy him. And the women, well they loved him for sure and that was nothing new but what was new, Mustang concluded, was the fact he did not exactly find his time with a female exciting anymore. He enjoyed the night, naturally, but he felt as if it was something he needed to get over with. And that's not exactly how he wanted his sex life to be, he wanted more than different women who were all the same, he craves for more than a night he wishes to be over. He felt empty, he was going on for the sake of the show not because he truly wanted it.

And this was excatly one week after Edward Elric.

A normal day consists of filling out many papers and having Hawkeye watch over his shoulder, he could feel her eyes on him as he continued his work. She's been rather.. cold the past week since Edward and Alphonse's leave, and the very conversation that lead to their leave. Conversation is what he liked to call it, however his team (more specifically Havoc) often something along the lines, "Mustang losing his shit cause he can't accept he's gay and in love with the boss." He could hear them even when they thought he couldn't. _Idiots_ , he thought to himself just as he finished for the day. He would admit one thing he missed Edward, he often found himself looking forward to the small alchemist storming into his office, threatening anyone who dared to even think he was small. Those were the most exciting moments his day had to offer.

Now without Edward here the weeks dragged out, just one week before the month ended Mustang found he had nothing to amuse him or make him relax. He had more time to think and less time to avoid work. Edward was gone at the moment and he couldn't help but feel guilty, but how could he have known the blonde was standing outside his door? How could he have known his words would affect Edward so horribly ? Or how just as the words slipped from his lips he'd regret it? He was at lost, he couldn't figure out why.. he was feeling so hollow inside, he couldn't help but feel the Edward shaped emptiness inside of him .

 **Month two: uncertainty**

He wasnt sure of anything anymore. He thought he was straight, could have sworn he only liked females. But sitting in some slezzy bar filled with beautiful women who would love his attention, Roy didn't find not one attractive. He sighed taking a sip of his drink, he was looking to get drunk, he wanted to fill the emptiness inside his chest.

Just as he was about to leave he saw her. Long golden hair flowing freely down the small if her back, then she turned to look Roy's way, he was slightly disappointed when he didn't see golden orbs filled with mischief looking his way. Instead he found emerald eyes consumed with lust. As she walked her way to Roy he noted how her hips seemed to sway a bit more now that she had his attention. He smirked lazily her way, _she will do for the night,_ he thought

* * *

She was under him, face flushed and panting urging him to go again. He was slightly confused when he looked at her once more, she wasn't who he expected. For a second he expected Edward to lay underneath him, out of breath and trying his best to yell for him to continue. This was not Edwards golden hair fanned out across his pillows, it wasn't Edwards golden eyes looking into his eyes begging for more. No it was a woman, he didn't even bother to remember her damn name. He shook his head uncertain as to why the thought appeared. Actually he was uncertained how he and this woman got into his bed, and why it was not Edward. He shook his head and told the woman to take her leave right away, with a frustrated growl and shoe thrown his way the woman was gone. He didn't care, he just laid back starring at his ceiling and with growing uncertainty he wondered why he saw Edwards face, also why seeing his face would encourage him to please the body underneath his own.

Roy Mustang spent that night questioning himself. He could not blame it on the liquor this time, he only had two drinks..

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 **Month three: coming to terms**

He felt as if he was losing his mind. Its already been three months and he could not rid his mind of all that was Edward, he the blondes smile whenever he closed his eyes, hear his booming laugh just outside his office door. He could have sworn the many times it happened Edward would burst right through the double doors laughing with Alphonse, but just as he would become excited it turned out to be Havoc. Speaking of Alphonse, he never the boy could be so.. frightening.

He released a heavy sigh, he couldn't believe Alphonse saw him as an enemy now, it could have been avoided but Mustang just had to bad mouth his precious older brother. Alphonse was a sweet boy who could do no wrong he was a gentle soul. Oh the irony, he thought. Nonetheless Mustang still felt like shit for what he'd done, he buried his face into his palms groaning loudly. He was broken from his thoughts when the telephone rang, he sighed and answered with no emotion "Colonel Mustang speaking." He paused waiting for a reply, he couldn't hear breathing on the other end which was strange unless.. "Alphonse?" He could tell he sounded egar now, he wondered what was wrong, didn't Alphonse hate him? Wanted to murder him? "Nii-san was hurt, he was-" Mustang couldn't hear past that, the dropped from his hand as his heart beat sped up. Edward was hurt, and at a hospital, for Edward to actually stay in one spot-for Alphonse to call him must mean.. Oh God, he choked on air and scrambled to pick up the telephone, "Is he okay? What happened exactly!? What the hell happened!" He braked out, he had to stay calm losing his composer would help no one, he took a deep breath and exhaled. "For a minute there I thought you actually cared for him- never mind that, nii-san is fine just resting.." The boy paused and continued, "he was.. beaten badly but a man intervened and saved him." He could tell the armor was shaking, "I was at a library while Edward was beaten.." Mustang cut him quickly this time, his own voice shaking "I'm sure Fullmetal doesn't blame you, how could you have known?" He had to at least try to ease the boys pain.

"Yes he doesn't, this was three weeks ago and he is fully functional." Mustang quickly thanked the heavens, Edward was perfectly fine, then why had Alphonse called now? "I suppose you're wondering why I am telling you this.. Nii-san seems to like the man who saved him." Hearing that made Mustang's blood run cold, Alphonse sounded pleased. "The mans name is James, he's a nice man and comes to visit nii-san everyday. And Edward seems excited to be at James side." Mustang could feel his grip on the telephone tighten.

"Is that so? I'm glad to hear so Alphonse, but why tell me?"

"I want you to know Edward is fine, and has forgotten the love he held for you." Alphonse voice sounded all to pleased, he was happy Edward forgotten about him, but why wasn't Mustang happy? "I'm very happy to hear that, now I don't exactly have enough time Alphonse." He lied, he just couldn't bare to hear how happy Edward was now that he met someone new, someone who wouldn't question their affection for said blonde. "I highly doubt you're happy, you're a real bastard Mustang.. you love nii-san but now you lost him because you couldn't even realize your feelings in." Alphonse laughed quietly but soon stopped, "I actually thought you would admit to loving him, I -supported you two- but you.."

He couldn't take it anymore, he was an idiot, a blind idiot! It took losing Edward to realize just how much he adores him!

It was pathetic really, he felt tears roll down his cheeks and onto his desk, he interrupted Alphonse not even bothering to cover the crack in his voice. "I admit I was a blind idiot Alphonse, and I regret what I have done to.. Edward, I sincerely do. It took me losing him to see exactly how much of a idiotic sack of shit I was!" His grip tightened around the telephone as he choked on a sob, "I screwed up and for that I apologize Alphonse elric. Once it is all over you two will never see me, I.. Wish the best to you both, please continue to care for your brother Alphonse.." He stopped and wispered to himself, not expecting Alphonse to hear, "I love.. Edward." He slammed the phone back down onto his desk and slumped down into his seat. He felt his shoulders shake in pain as his gripped his chest tightly, he felt his heart breaking in half. But he couldn't have expected Edward to just take him, no this was exactly how it should be. He gasped as a sob ripped through his throat, he slapped his hand over his mouth feeling hot tears slide onto his hand. He had to leave, he couldn't let his men see him in such a state, he had no right to cry he caused this. This was his punishment, Edward found a man who would love him, he found a real man. One that knew exactly what he wanted. Still, he couldn't help but feel his heart break even more at the thought, numbly he noted how the room was soon filled with muffled sobs and gasps as if he was in agonizing pain. And he was. It hurt like hell and he would spend the rest of his life with this regret.

* * *

 **Month four: living with regret**

It was hard to deal with the pain of losing Edward-everywhere he went he saw him, it was hard to force a smile for their friends when he was alone, but with all his strength he managed. It was harder getting up for the morning, even getting dressed was harder, and living with so much regret was more difficult than he thought. Sometimes he felt as is he couldn't breath, sometimes he thought he would die. He wanted to die in fact, but no he wouldn't that was just selfish. He had no idea what happened the day Edward left would hurt like this, but after coming to grips with the fact he did love Edward made it a horrific memory. He already broke Edwards heart, made him cry, and Roy couldn't even face him now that he found someone new. But the Promised day was near and they would meet again. He prayed to whatever God there was-he prayed he would pretend he was okay, he prayed to be strong. He wouldn't dare to interfere in the blondes life. Just thinking of seeing Edward in the arms of another man pulled at Mustangs heart, he wondered if he could control himself.

For Edward he would have to.

What hurt Mustang the most was not realizing it sooner and having Edward so close, thinking back to watching him walk away when he could have stopped him, and having so much to say to him buried deep inside his heart. He thought he couldn't love someone, especially Edward but now he knows that's exactly what he was trying to do. He pushed back his love, he tried to avoid it even. And in the process he let the love of his life slip right from his finger tips and into the arms of another. No doubt Edward was with _James_ as happy as could be, he hated James and he never even met the man. No doubt he was a good man, but he took Edward from him.. Edward was never his he realized, yes Edward loved him but he brutally denied the boy, and to his own brother.

* * *

Ever since the day he was left in his office sobbing over the lost of Edward his team seemed to leave him be, even Hawkeye went easy on him and he couldn't be more greatful. At the moment he couldn't _handel_ a normal day he was greatful they heard him that day.. He was truly didn't deserve them one bit. But there they were, at his side being as suportvie as possible.

The fourth month was almost over, the war was about to begin and Edwards face would be seen soon. _If I could just see Edwards beautiful smile, if only just for a moment_ , Mustang thought-only then would Mustang be satisfied.

Then, and only then I could live with this regret and survive.

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 **So here it is, enjoy and let me know what ya think**


	8. Chapter 8

**yay chapter 8**

 **Hope this is good**

 **Warning: brother love ahead! And mention of AlWin!**

 **Disclaimer: don't own fma!**

It was all over-the war was over, Edward had done all that was needed. Alphonse, his beautiful baby brother, slept soundly on (the most damn comfortable bed in the hospital) a bed that seemed to be made just for him. Edward watched him quietly not wanting to take his eyes off of Al-afriad that if he even blinked Alphonse would return to an unfeeling suit of armor. Alphonse teased him, said he was a weirdo for watching him sleep but Edward didn't care one bit, he was going to watch his baby brother to his hearts content and he didn't give a damn about what anyone said. He wiped the tears away from his face once again that night, looking Alphonse's way he sighed happily. He still couldn't believe he actually did it, but seeing his brother sleeping after so many years trapped in a body that didn't require the little things that made people humans, Edward had to believe it or it would be like he was denying his brothers existence.

The Truth accepted the trade, his alchemy for Alphonse's body-turth accepted and he destroyed his gate forever _, 'I knew you'd come nii-san'_ he remembers Al saying. He couldn't help but smile and tear up. He helped his fragile brother up to walk through his own gate of truth, leaving behind the the fragments of his alchemy filled past. It consumed him and in the process Alphonse paid the price, now he knew the real truth and didn't need his alchemy anymore. The tears flowed more frequently this time as he watched Alphonse's chest rise and fall softly, he didn't even bother to wipe his face-he knew he'd end up crying again anyways. Edwards thoughts drifted of to a subject he's been afraid to confront for the past two weeks, pretty soon Alphonse wouldn't need him anymore-he wouldn't need Edward anymore and that was possibly the scariest thing he would ever encounter. He knew the day would come soon, he knew that one day it would be time to let his brother live. Al would marry Winry and they will make some pretty damn cute babies together, Edward always knew Al's affections towards their childhood friend. He was happy for Al, and Winry too.

But it didn't lessen the pain of losing his brother even the slightest, in his brothers current state he could stick around a few more months-if he was lucky a years tops. Edward sighed and felt his shoulders slump _,_ 'Its _not that i wanted to hold onto Al forever its just-he's all I have left.'_ In the back of his mind Edward knew he was being irrational, that he would always have Al no matter the distance, but he didn't pay attention to the logical side of himself. He felt a familiar ache in his chest at the thought of being alone, if there was one thing Edward Eric was afriaf of- it was of being alone, having no one by his side reminding him of why he lives. For years he lived for Alphonse, he went on in life just for his brother and for a few months he still could, but that wouldn't be necessary soon. _Real soon_ , he thought bitterly. He rubbed his temples and slightly stretched against his very uncomfortable seat-he would get through this for Alphonse. He looked up slightly and noticed Al started to stir in his sleep, _'probably waking up_ ' Edward thought. Alphonse mostly slept and ate here and there, it was a bit hard considering he hasn't ate a thing for years. But he was getting there and it was worth it.

He frowned when he noticed Alphonse was sweating, it wasn't hot in his room-it was actually very cold at night. He stepped closer and stopped when he heard him whimper, he also saw how his brother wasn't sweating but.. crying. He was having a nightmare, it was normal, they went through so much shit it was only normal. But he panicked when Al's eyes snapped open so suddenly making Edward stumbled back a bit, "Nii-san.. Where you watching me again?" His voice cracked a bit, he needed water. Edward quickly handed his brother a glass of water and sat beside him, "Maybe I was.. Are you okay?"

"Yeah.. Just a nightmare.. I dreamt I was still in the armor.. you and Winery were gone.." He saw how Alphonse shivered and wrapped his blanket around himself. This was normal, his fear of being trapped in that armor-that all of this was just his mind playing a cruel truck on him was perfectly normal. Hell Edward feared the worst as well, he dare not close his eye even for a second fearing he had dreamt the past two weeks. He rubbed soothing circles on Al's bony back trying to calm him down a bit, "Its okay Al, I have the same dream as well." He whispered and noted how that made the boy clam down slightly, he felt Alphonse lean against him with his head against his chest. "Remember how we used to lay our head on mother's chest just to hear her heart beat?" He wishpered and Edward held him tighter. Alphonse was in a fragile state not just physicaly but mentally as well, his body wasn't used to feelings anymore so it was overwhelming and Edward understood this.

Alphonse pressed his ear against Edwards chest a bit more firmly and sighed contently, Edward could only assume Al found his heart beat. To anyone else this would be weird, for brothers to be this close was considered weird. But they were horribly wrong, it wasn't wrong for brothers to love each other, especially with Edward and Al-all they had was each other, its been like this for years now. It was normal. Brotherly love is what you'd call it really. "Nii-san.." Alphonse muttered against his chest making Edward look down at him in slight confusion, before he could reply Alphonse cut him off "I wanted to tell you something.." He felt the younger wiggle out of his arms to look h in the eyes, Edward's eyebrow arched slightly indicating he was listening. "Well I do hope you won't be.. to angry with me." Alphonse looked at him through his eye lashes examining his facial expressions closely. "Its.. Its about Roy nii-san." **Roy.** Edward had completely forgotten about Roy, he was so busy worrying about Al he hadn't thought of him for the past two weeks. "What-what about him?" Edward wouldn't admit it but Roy's insults all those months ago still felt painful, but Alphonse knew that. He also knew how Edward couldn't possibly take his mind of the man these past few months, damn that bastard for unintentionally sneaking his way into Edwards seemingly cold heart. Damn him for being impossible to forget, fuck him for breaking his heart, even after all that Edward couldn't help but love the idiot more. The bastard protected him from father all that he could, he even saved him when faced in a tricky situation . Edward didn't understand why the man looked so miserable, his blind eyes told Edward a whole new story to which he couldn't even hope to comprehend.

Tilting his head to the side slightly Edward stared at his brother waiting for him to continue and he did, "I called him just a few weeks after your stay at the hospital.." Alphonse looked.. excited yet nervous. Letting go of a deep breath Al continued and this time more confidently, "He absolutely loves you nii-san, he is just a horrible blind idiot-no pun intended." He chuckled a bit, "I know this because I lied and said you have forgotten about him and loved another, and as I predicted he.. sorta flipped." Edward felt as if he couldn't breathe, he felt his heart beat skip a beat as Al finished talking. Maybe, just maybe his brother was right.. But he couldn't be he heard the man talk shit about him, to Alphonse face! He was about to tell his brother he was wrong but yet again he was interrupted, "I'm right nii-san, he broke down and even called himself 'a idiotic sack of shit for figuring it out to late' it was a bit.. Overwhelming hearing him like that really." Edward couldn't help but feel his cheeks heat up. Alphonse rolled his eyes and sighed "bakka nii-san .. I have my body, we did it now so now-i want you happy nii-san, I may not like Mustang the most at this moment but..." Alphonse gripped Edwards hand as tightly as his own weak one could, "It is time to be happy! I love you nii-san don't forget that, I know you'll be here while I go through physical rehabilitation, and you may also think I won't ever need you again but you're wrong, as always." Alphonse gave him that all knowing look again, Edward also found it eerily fascinating how Al could read his thoughts.

He spoke softer this time, "Anyways, I'll always need you brother.. always no matter what brothers to the end, right?" He smiled and Edward couldn't help but smile back feeling reassured now. He was glad Alphonse told him this, honestly it felt like a great weight has been lifted. After all these years he felt.. Relived. He felt his eyes water and he gently tugged his brother close for a hug, "Oh nii-san you're so sensitive." The younger joked but wrapped his thin and shaky arms around his older brother, Edward felt lucky to have a brother like Al-he was such an understanding, and compassionate person. Everything Edward wishes he was honestly, he held Alphonse a bit tighter and said "Al in the morning.. In the morning I'll go to his room and-" Alphonse cut him off, what's with him cutting off Edwards sentences? "Nii-san I want you to _pretend_ to be over him, act as if you don't love him.. So you can see for yourself, I know its cruel but you should see how he loves you." Edward nodded in agreement, honestly he was going to do the same thing. He really wanted to witness what Alphonse heard over the telephone, he wanted to hear Roy's love for him, he wanted to know for sure.

Tomorrow he would go to Roy's room. Edward couldn't find a reason not to after all.


	9. Chapter 9

**yay chapter 9**

 **So sorry I took long, had a very busy few days.**

 **Anyways, I'm not sure if this will be the last chapter, should it be?**

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Edward walked very slowly to Roy's room, he was stalling.

He had to admit he was a bit nervous, he still had his doubts about what Alphonse said, but who could blame him? He was standing in front of Roy's door looking down at his feet and fidgeting, he knew he had to pull himself together but this was a bit harder than he thought. He wanted to hurt Roy yet he wanted nothing more than for the man to hold him and whisper how much he truly loves him. But he wanted to hurt the man, hurt him like he had hurt Edward. He wanted to see the man cry, make him beg for forgiveness and for Edward to have him as he is. He needed to make sure Roy truly does love him, he believed what Alphonse had told him the night before. But there are somethings you just have to see for yourself to believe.

He heard voices through the door, male and female voices. Obviously it had to be Hawkeye and Roy so Edward leaned, pressing his ear against the door to listen. _'Can't blame me for being curious not my fault anyways'_ , Edward thought to himself. He couldn't quite make out what was being said which irritated him greatly, he was about to back away but was surprised when he saw Hawkeye starring back at him slightly amused. "Hello Edward, everything okay?" Shit. He was caught and she was looking at him saying _'I knew you'd show up sooner or later._ '

"I'll be on my way now." She whispered and briskly made her leave, the door was still open and he could see Roy sitting on his bed starring blankly at where he stood. He knew Roy could not see him anymore- he still couldn't help but feel his cheeks heat up and his anger rise. He saw how the man was confused when he didn't hear the door close, Edward coughed making himself known and saw Roy's face shift from confused to curiosity. He heard Roy's smooth voice and desperately tried to keep his anger in check. "May I ask who is standing just a few feet from me?" Edward walked closer trying to keep his heart beat at a steady pace, he knew what had yo be done. "Yo bastard, thought I should pay ya a visit." He said casually watching Roy's shoulders tense slightly as he desperately trued to find Edward's chest, he stopped at his chest and Edward couldn't help but feel offened. He was taller now dammit! He wasn't a shrimp anymore and deserved to be acknowledge for his growth.

"Ahh.. Nice to see- hear you again Fullmetal." Edward saw the corners of Roy's mouth twitch, he wasn't sure if the man wanted to smile or frown. At the moment he didn't care, he was on a mission. At the mention of his old 'name' Edward scoffed, "No alchemy so I can't be the Fullmetal alchemist anymore, can I?" He said not even trying to mask his annoyance. At that he saw the older mans lips turn downwards into a frown, he must have forgotten. Who could blame him? "My apologies Full- Edward.." He paused and continued quietly, "I don't think I'll ever get used to calling you my your given name." There. That was a perfect opening, Edward felt himself grin before he spoke, "You won't have to, I'm resigning from the military old man. And I'm moving back home." Roy tensed at that, and averted his eyes from Edward chest. He was looking down at his bandaged palms deep in thought. Edward took this time to study him thoroughly, the man before him wasn't the cocky bastard with an ego the size of Amestris. The man before him was.. broken.

Edward felt his heart drop a bit at the sight of a defeated mustang, he's never seen this side of him before and it unnerved him greatly. He started wondering if maybe he should start laughing and say 'kidding! Really had you there didn't I ?' But he couldn't. "Ah yes.. I remember now, your brother Alphonse has told me about a few things." He spoke softly interrupting Edwards thoughts, "Yes, James- I decided to move in with him once Alphonse is good on his own. He.. makes me happy, I'm never depressed around him." Edward tried to sound fond of a man he barely knew, he hoped he sounded in love. He must have because Roy's face looked like he was in pain, good.

Roy turned to look up at his chest again, he had a small sad smile on his lips. "Yes, he also told me of how James treats you like gold. You deserve that Edward.. You-you derseve someone who will love you" his knuckles were a ghostly white from clenching the bed sheets tightly, 'a little more' Edward thought as he placed his hand a top of Roy's larger ones. He tensed at Edwards next words, "Are you okay? You seem depressed." And with that question the great Roy Mustang's body shook violently as a heartwrenching sob broke through his chapped lips. Edward jumped when he felt Roy's hands fist into his shirt tightly- the man had his face buried in Edwards shirt as he sobbed.

Edward had to admit this isn't exactly what he wanted, this isn't what he expected. He thought the man would crack, yes, but not to the point of sobbing. Did he really love him this much? "Edward.. forgive me..! I'm an idiot!" Roy shouted out, desperately trying to find Edwards face with his hands. When he found Edwards face he placed both palms firmly on each side of his face, he wanted Edward to look him in the eyes- even if Roy himself could not. His face was red and the tears just kept flowing down freely, "I realized my love for you far to late.. I know this, but please, please!" He was begging now, and Edward felt his own tears trying to break free, "Pease know I love you!" He choked on a sob and brought Edward as close as possible, "the last month my nights have been restless.. I knew- I knew it was to late and.. And." More broken sobs, Edward found himself rubbing Roy's back slowly urging him to continue and he did. "I couldn't eat I couldn't sleep dammit, I couldn't even look in the mirror- knowing I broke your heart, knowing you actually loved a bastard like me.." He seemed to have lost his voice and Edward bit his lip trying to hold back a sob of his own, he had to let Roy finish.

He watched as the man before him tried to regain his voice, his eye brows were knitted together in determination as he tried to control his tears. Edward moved his hands to Roy's face, cupping his checks gently- the man before him seemed to settle a but by this. "I'm sorry Edward, I messed it all up and lost you.. I'm prepared to live with this.. I want the best for you- for you and James.." He whispered leaning into Edwards touch eagerly. Edward moved closer to Roy and decided that was enough, he wrapped his arms around Roy's neck and pulled him close nuzzling he face into the mans neck. "You really are an idiot." He whispered as he felt the man tense slightly under his touch, "Edward wha-" Edward cut him off with a kiss.

A soft, sweet, passion filled kiss. One filled with love, Edward was sure it answered all of Roys unanswered questions because he too returned the kiss and held onto Edward as if he were his lifeline. They broke a part, and placed soft butterfly kisses on eachothers faces, they both were crying softly. But this time it was tears of joy.

* * *

 **soo how was it!**

 **Should I make one more?**

 **Please leave a review!**


	10. Authors note

**Well I decided leaving it how it is is best, don't wanna drag it on anymore.**

 **But! I'm already working on another Royed fic! I actually have two I'm working on.**

 **I'll have it up in a about a week or so! Maybe sooner all depends.**

 **So thank you to everyone who read my little baby, I'm happy you enjoyed and hope to see you all again!**


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